a day in the life of a bowhead

we are on this earth together

jesus says to love your neighbor

so why don’t we live beyond these walls

if we’re ever gonna reach our hands out

show each other what it’s about

why don’t we love beyond these walls

tell me why don’t we love beyond these walls.

my life has drastically changed over the past year. i have lost the one family member who truly accepted me for who i am, with no constraints or walls on that acceptance. i tend to think he would not condemn me for the me i am becoming. it has become lonely in a glaring way. i don’t think my relationships with other family members have really changed in our day to day dealings with each other. they don’t feel the same. i think i understand their feelings. they feel betrayed and abandoned. somehow the bridge between my father and the rest of the family in regards to me was more than what i think any of us thought. i have really thought long and hard on this; and i honestly do not think i am communicating any differently than i have previously. i think the major difference is the buffer wall of information is no longer there to keep them abreast of my life.

i am truly having difficulty with this new reality. i feel as if my life no longer counts. my desires are no longer considered, and in fact, i think they are quite obviously thrown away. my life is no longer my own. and frankly, it pisses me off. during this time of discovery for myself, i am claiming my life.

i move at the pace of a turtle. nothing i do is done quickly. it is extremely frustrating for my partner. i realize this. she is extremely self-assured and always confident in her making the right decisions. i admire that and envy that characteristic in her. i wish i had the ability to make quick decisions and know they will be okay in the end.

the opening quote is from a song written by myself and friends over this past weekend. the show is about differences. it is about how christ teaches us to accept people on their own terms and love them with a love given by christ. honestly, what a wonderful and probably peaceful world this could be if we could just learn to love as christ loved. christ did not judge. christ loved.

i want to take this opportunity to let you all know, i love you. i love you as christ loved. i love you with a love that is non-judgemental, a love that is open and accepting. you are beautiful. you are a gift to everyone who is blessed enough to have you in their life - whatever manifestation that may be. people are in our lives for a short time. does that make them any less important than those meant to be in our lives for years? no. they are just different.

i have been blessed to have amazing friends in my life. some have already left this life. some are not there on a daily basis, but the moment talking recommeces, it is as if no time has passed. some are here for my lifetime. i know you know the poem. it is so beautiful and so true. i think if friends could realize the seasons of friendship, all our lives would be so much more peaceful and fulfilling. letting go is never easy, but when done in love, there is always peace found.

we all yearn for acceptance. we all yearn to belong. it is not easy being on the outside. the ‘box’ is stifling though. my hope for you all is to realize the beauty and peace found in the seasons. we all have our favourites. my favourite is fall. i love the change and hope found in the passing of what is known.  one thing i have learned quite well in this past year is death is not a sad thing. death is another stage of life. death is a passing, a change of seasons.  mourning is necessary. mourning is healthy. we need to mourn the passing from our lives this loved one. but in this passing is a joy found in the celebration of the life spent with us. 

what i yearn for, what i desire most from my family is acceptance. acceptance for who i am, the one they never really have known. the lyrics go on to state how on sunday, at church, we act one way and on monday, another reality is in existence. it’s sad. it saddens me. i think i am the same any day of the week. i do hide parts of myself from those with whom i do not have a close relationship. this is where my family falls. they know the me they think is me; but the reality of who that person is, oftentimes is very different from the actuality. in this new reality of our lives, they are having to adjust to the real me. i feel sorry for them. they have missed out on who i am for so long and now are really having a terrible time equating Me with me.

sending out wave after wave of hope, peace, love and acceptance to all of you… revel in it, love in it and pass it on to those in your life.

- bowhead