ownership
When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” Jesus said to them, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.”
busyness self-involvement egotistical — these are all things that detract us from finding ourself in god. as christians, we hear this, we hear this from the time we are very small. think of others, love others, take care of others, sacrifice for the betterment of others. especially as women, we are brought to think of others first. make your parents happy by doing well, doing as they wish… then make your husband happy as fulfilling his needs of clean house, dinner, etc… then provide things for your children as you go without, live your life secondary to theirs, their needs before your own… its a vicious cycle propagated generation after generation. and when you do find the rare woman who has found the strength to break this cycle, realizing her needs to matter, she is often ostracized.
in the past, i have felt guilty for the rare times i have seen to a need of mine before a need of my daughters. for instance, i often feel guilty when i purchase a new pair of pants for myself. i should not be spending that money on me, that money should be spent on her. this is the consequence of this patriarchal upbringing that is somehow crumbling in my world… i am finding it oppressive and i cannot live that way anymore.
i find a new concept ringing in my head… ‘i do matter.’ my needs do matter. someone very recently said to me that my daughter will learn much more from my actions and my taking care of myself than she will from anything i ever say. this is not something that is earth-shatteringly revealing. this i knew, but i think if you take that in with the above verse… my problems, my needs, my wants, my desires: they do matter – AND I MATTER. i matter as much as the homeless and the hungry. i will continue to help and aide, but i also must start to realize that i am worthy of help and aide. my problems are the world’s problems. the world’s problems are mine.
its important for me to know this. its important for me to realize, to take into myself. i am learning.
each of us is better than our record
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
-1 John 4:78 (NIV)
growing up in the south, you often hear of the ‘fire and brimstone’ sunday lessons. the scenes from _footloose_ or _polyanna_ are not that far from the truth of some southern churches, especially those in the smaller burgs.
i can remember being at my grandparent’s house, either with my parents or for my own visit alone. we would travel the few miles down rocky, country roads to the little church center united methodist church. even though i wasnt a member, i was always up in the choir loft with my grandmother. my grandfather was usually at the piano playing. he couldnt read music, so everything was always in the same key and pretty much had the same accompaniment, but i remember his playing and yearn to hear it again. i have his piano now in my house. i can remember right after he died, my sisters had me sit down and play in his place while everyone else stood around and sang. those memories of being in my grandparent’s little country church really do give me a sense of nostalgia. but seriously, i am digressing…
the one thing i remember that was not so ‘awww’ about my grandparent’s church and the sundays spent there is the sermons. i vividly remember the pastor slamming on his pulpit, walking around with the bible held high, and yelling so loud my ears would hurt. in actuality, the pastor was a very nice man. its as if he felt he had to ‘put on a show’. i never really understood this. i never understood the need for such dramatics.
i am very thankful that my god is a god of love. i am very thankful for redemption. i am very thankful for grace. i am learning to watch words. i am loved. i am love. i am worthy. i am grace-given. i am redeemed. my record will not be held against me. and in that knowledge, i can freely love. i can freely pass on grace, i can freely send out the loving karma to the whole world, even if i do not know them, even if i cannot understand them, even if i will never be forgiven or understood by them. i can do this because my god is love and my god loves me… and i love myself, dearly.
a tag of sorts from jen… for jen
Here are the rules:
Go to your picture files
Go to your 6th folder.
Go to your 6th picture.
Tell us about it.
Tag 6 friends to do the same.
one of my dearest and oldest friends, rachel, and i met with our kids after a fabulous night of seeing david in annie in chattanooga. chattanooga has one of the best aquariums in the states. it is very beautiful and all-encompassing of the waters. they have now expanded it to include other marine animals, such as a great penguin exhibit and the most amazing butterfly garden. anyway, one of their pride and joys is the seahorse and seadragons. seriously, there are SO many different species and beauties displayed there. i cannot tell you much about this specific seadragon other than it is just that, a seadragon. it looks like seaweed floating and so graceful and beauty ‘personified’. if you are ever in the area of chattanooga, it is very worth your time to visit the aquarium.
