a day in the life of a bowhead

busyness self-involvement egotistical — these are all things that detract us from finding ourself in god. as christians, we hear this, we hear this from the time we are very small. think of others, love others, take care of others, sacrifice for the betterment of others. especially as women, we are brought to think of others first. make your parents happy by doing well, doing as they wish… then make your husband happy as fulfilling his needs of clean house, dinner, etc… then provide things for your children as you go without, live your life secondary to theirs, their needs before your own… its a vicious cycle propagated generation after generation. and when you do find the rare woman who has found the strength to break this cycle, realizing her needs to matter, she is often ostracized. 

in the past, i have felt guilty for the rare times i have seen to a need of mine before a need of my daughters. for instance, i often feel guilty when i purchase a new pair of pants for myself. i should not be spending that money on me, that money should be spent on her. this is the consequence of this patriarchal upbringing that is somehow crumbling in my world… i am finding it oppressive and i cannot live that way anymore. 

i find a new concept ringing in my head… ‘i do matter.’ my needs do matter. someone very recently said to me that my daughter will learn much more from my actions and my taking care of myself than she will from anything i ever say. this is not something that is earth-shatteringly revealing. this i knew,  but i think if you take that in with the above verse… my problems, my needs, my wants, my desires: they do matter – AND I MATTER. i matter as much as the homeless and the hungry. i will continue to help and aide, but i also must start to realize that i am worthy of help and aide. my problems are the world’s problems. the world’s problems are mine. 

its important for me to know this. its important for me to realize, to take into myself. i am learning.