ownership
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February 28, 2009, 10:50 pm
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Filed under: Uncategorized
When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” Jesus said to them, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.”
Matthew 14:15-16
busyness self-involvement egotistical — these are all things that detract us from finding ourself in god. as christians, we hear this, we hear this from the time we are very small. think of others, love others, take care of others, sacrifice for the betterment of others. especially as women, we are brought to think of others first. make your parents happy by doing well, doing as they wish… then make your husband happy as fulfilling his needs of clean house, dinner, etc… then provide things for your children as you go without, live your life secondary to theirs, their needs before your own… its a vicious cycle propagated generation after generation. and when you do find the rare woman who has found the strength to break this cycle, realizing her needs to matter, she is often ostracized.
in the past, i have felt guilty for the rare times i have seen to a need of mine before a need of my daughters. for instance, i often feel guilty when i purchase a new pair of pants for myself. i should not be spending that money on me, that money should be spent on her. this is the consequence of this patriarchal upbringing that is somehow crumbling in my world… i am finding it oppressive and i cannot live that way anymore.
i find a new concept ringing in my head… ‘i do matter.’ my needs do matter. someone very recently said to me that my daughter will learn much more from my actions and my taking care of myself than she will from anything i ever say. this is not something that is earth-shatteringly revealing. this i knew, but i think if you take that in with the above verse… my problems, my needs, my wants, my desires: they do matter – AND I MATTER. i matter as much as the homeless and the hungry. i will continue to help and aide, but i also must start to realize that i am worthy of help and aide. my problems are the world’s problems. the world’s problems are mine.
its important for me to know this. its important for me to realize, to take into myself. i am learning.
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This is reading so much more like a journal these days. I’m so thankful to bear witness to your growth, while honoring where you are in this stage in your life.
I heard last night: Stages aren’t hierarchical. Each stage deserves it’s honor–each stage has integrity. I love seeing your appreciation of your integrity. It’s is beautiful as are you. Our children are our priority, yes. But, modeling a sense of selfishness–not in the pejorative sense, but in the sense of honoring self–is a far more valuable lesson than teaching them to be martyrs. That martyrdom will color everything that they do, giving them a twinge of guilt anytime they do something for themselves. I refuse to raise my daughter to feel guilty for loving herself. I thank God for the conversation that my mom had with me when I was about 19… “There is nothing wrong with being selfish. You have to respect your needs, give to yourself. If not, you’ll expect others to do it for you, and that won’t always happen.”
I love you.
Comment by Tamika March 1, 2009 @ 12:26 ami am so thankful to have you on this journey of growth and discovery. i am also very thankful for your ears, your heart and your thoughts.
i thank you for being an example of healthy selfishness and i am learning.
i love you.
Comment by bowhead0313 March 1, 2009 @ 12:30 am