a day in the life of a bowhead

When it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a deserted place, and the hour is now late; send the crowds away so that they may go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” Jesus said to them, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.”

 

 

Matthew 14:15-16

 

 

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

-1 John 4:78 (NIV)

 

somewhere deep deep inside of me there is a writer. she longs to come out. this has been a constant struggle. i feel the words, thoughts and feelings desperately fighting to emerge, yet nothing comes. there are no words, there are no thoughts and there are no feelings. where does this come from? why is it they are so palpable and yet so unattainable? my coven has amazing writers. writers who write daily, writers who write sporadically, but all of them are so … sigh … beautiful. so sage. so true. so revealing. do i not write because i am then exposing myself? do i not write because the talent is just not there? do i not write because something is wrong with me at a base level? i dont know these answers, but i long for them.

good feelings, precious thoughts and loving embraces are being sent to all of you across the miles on this cold, rainy, icy day.

a friend, sorority sister and faith sister of mine lost her husband this weekend. it was not expected. in fact, it was completely utterly without any comprehension. even when it is expected, wanted and a blessing, death is unable to be comprehended. i think god means it to be this way. i think he is being most gracious by our being unable to understand. it gives us opportunities to grow, to have faith and to just believe. it gives us moments to see friends, true friends. it gives us a chance to realize how precious and fleeting life is. how arrogant are we to believe life can or will go on forever! how absurd for us to think as mere humans we can ‘beat the odds’ and go on when it just stands there waiting. for those of us who have experienced a close death, i think we can see a little more clearly the gift that is given us every day, with every breath. i think also those who love someone, truly love someone, who has lost someone very dear is given this gift. the hurt that is seen. the hurt that is shared by proxy. that hurt permeates as much as if it were your own. that hurt causes growth. a growth toward softness. a growth toward loving wholly, unabashedly, without limits. 

i pray for my sister who has lost her husband. bless her heart and the hearts of her kids. the little girl, not yet 10. the young man, 18 years old and already such a grown up life he’s lived. and my sister… she clung to me when i walked in. and i cried with her. i cried for her. for her family. for me. and for my father.

and i give thanks for my beloved… you know why. 

to my dearest…

thank you. thank you for loving me. thank you for going into places that are uncomfortable for you because of me. you mean more to me than you could imagine. you are the reason my heart keeps beating. you are the reason my love overflows onto those around me. you. you are my heart. you are my soul. you are my anam cara. friendship beyond friendship. love beyond love. god has graced me with you. god has blessed me with the reason for love in this world. love is why we are here and you are my love. one day, someday, we shall be in the same place and bring to this life all that we give to each other now. i love you. for now, for tomorrow, for yesterday, for eternity. 

with all my heart, with all my love, with all my soul, with all that god has made me to be… 

i am yours.

we are on this earth together

jesus says to love your neighbor

so why don’t we live beyond these walls

if we’re ever gonna reach our hands out

show each other what it’s about

why don’t we love beyond these walls

tell me why don’t we love beyond these walls.

my life has drastically changed over the past year. i have lost the one family member who truly accepted me for who i am, with no constraints or walls on that acceptance. i tend to think he would not condemn me for the me i am becoming. it has become lonely in a glaring way. i don’t think my relationships with other family members have really changed in our day to day dealings with each other. they don’t feel the same. i think i understand their feelings. they feel betrayed and abandoned. somehow the bridge between my father and the rest of the family in regards to me was more than what i think any of us thought. i have really thought long and hard on this; and i honestly do not think i am communicating any differently than i have previously. i think the major difference is the buffer wall of information is no longer there to keep them abreast of my life.

i am truly having difficulty with this new reality. i feel as if my life no longer counts. my desires are no longer considered, and in fact, i think they are quite obviously thrown away. my life is no longer my own. and frankly, it pisses me off. during this time of discovery for myself, i am claiming my life.

i move at the pace of a turtle. nothing i do is done quickly. it is extremely frustrating for my partner. i realize this. she is extremely self-assured and always confident in her making the right decisions. i admire that and envy that characteristic in her. i wish i had the ability to make quick decisions and know they will be okay in the end.

the opening quote is from a song written by myself and friends over this past weekend. the show is about differences. it is about how christ teaches us to accept people on their own terms and love them with a love given by christ. honestly, what a wonderful and probably peaceful world this could be if we could just learn to love as christ loved. christ did not judge. christ loved.

i want to take this opportunity to let you all know, i love you. i love you as christ loved. i love you with a love that is non-judgemental, a love that is open and accepting. you are beautiful. you are a gift to everyone who is blessed enough to have you in their life - whatever manifestation that may be. people are in our lives for a short time. does that make them any less important than those meant to be in our lives for years? no. they are just different.

i have been blessed to have amazing friends in my life. some have already left this life. some are not there on a daily basis, but the moment talking recommeces, it is as if no time has passed. some are here for my lifetime. i know you know the poem. it is so beautiful and so true. i think if friends could realize the seasons of friendship, all our lives would be so much more peaceful and fulfilling. letting go is never easy, but when done in love, there is always peace found.

we all yearn for acceptance. we all yearn to belong. it is not easy being on the outside. the ‘box’ is stifling though. my hope for you all is to realize the beauty and peace found in the seasons. we all have our favourites. my favourite is fall. i love the change and hope found in the passing of what is known.  one thing i have learned quite well in this past year is death is not a sad thing. death is another stage of life. death is a passing, a change of seasons.  mourning is necessary. mourning is healthy. we need to mourn the passing from our lives this loved one. but in this passing is a joy found in the celebration of the life spent with us. 

what i yearn for, what i desire most from my family is acceptance. acceptance for who i am, the one they never really have known. the lyrics go on to state how on sunday, at church, we act one way and on monday, another reality is in existence. it’s sad. it saddens me. i think i am the same any day of the week. i do hide parts of myself from those with whom i do not have a close relationship. this is where my family falls. they know the me they think is me; but the reality of who that person is, oftentimes is very different from the actuality. in this new reality of our lives, they are having to adjust to the real me. i feel sorry for them. they have missed out on who i am for so long and now are really having a terrible time equating Me with me.

sending out wave after wave of hope, peace, love and acceptance to all of you… revel in it, love in it and pass it on to those in your life.

- bowhead

So I was online with Tamika tonight and we started YouTubing together. We came upon a video and it started an avalanche of Bobby-ness… Bobby McFerrin is best known for his song Don’t Worry, Be Happy. He is so much more than that and what you hear in that song. Seriously, this is one of the most talented musicians that has ever lived. And what his love is not singing, but rather conducting. I had the huge privilege of seeing him conduct the Nashville Symphony several years ago and I was absolutely blown away. I told Tamika tonight as we watched one video that shows him conducting that to watch him was seeing poetry in motion. He is just breath-taking. Anyway, I thought I would share some of the videos I have been watching tonight.

On Bach:

Jazz:

with Chick Corea:

with Richard Bona:

at Warsaw Jazz

with Taylor McFerrin

with Aziza Mustafa Zadeh

with Anita Vitale

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed seeing maybe a different side of Bobby from what you knew before. And one final word unrelated to Bobby McFerrin…

tonight was the best night.

Christ Church Cathedral - Nashville, TN

it was peaceful, enlightening, music-filled, relaxing and a plethora of phrases. i had heard of the cathedral in nashville having a community service every first friday. tonight was the first night baby girl and i went. it was meaningful to me on several levels. first of all, it was musically amazing. a gorgeous mix of blues and light jazz, so spiritual and uplifting – and when the liturgical dancer began, the tears just flowed. i found it funny the first service we went to, the preacher at my church was doing the story-telling. he is a nationally known storyteller and attends these services regularly, so i was not really surprised. i just found it ironic that i was going for a new experience, only to hear my own preacher.

the whole service was beautiful, the whole experience.

another reason this time was so meaningful to me is my T is episcopal and it brought back thoughts of our attending services together in houston, in san diego, with our daughters and each other. not long ago we had a moment together. a friend of ours was having a major family crisis and i realized we had never really prayed together, just us. so tentatively, i asked, ‘could we…?’

my T blesses me each and every day. this night, she blessed me beyond any words i could express to you.

anyway, after the service had ended, baby girl and i went for sushi to this little place downtown that has really good service and an amazing sushi bar, it is also reasonably priced. as usual, it was good food and good conversation between my truly unique daughter. we dont often get nights out like this and i love the idea of a monthly outing with her like this – although, i do see this happening more often than just for first fridays. in fact, we are going to get our animals blessed in about a month – she is so excited about that.

on the way back to suburbia, i engaged in conversation with my T and really did not want this night to end yet, so we went to barnes and noble and both got lost in the books. i got one i cannot wait to read. it is about reclaiming the strong, positive karma that was orginally associated with the word ‘cunt’. in fact, that is the title _cunt_. i look forward to this bit of reading. i also found another book i am dying to read, although it is very ‘legalistic’ in its verbage. baby girl found a book she wants, but it is the fifth in a series we have (although not the fifth), so we bartered she could get it after she has read the others. madeline l’engle has always been one of my favourite authors and this is a book i was not aware of, i cannot wait to read the series with her.

of course, a trip to the bookstore is not complete without either coffee or ice cream. so we went for ice cream. we shared a cone of cheesecake ice cream and i got some coffee ice cream to bring home. as we approached our van, baby girl says, ‘i know its raining and we haven’t been home, but it’s been a really nice night.’

i couldn’t have said it better myself. i am truly blessed.

and i look forward to finishing this and continuing wonderful conversation with my T.