a day in the life of a bowhead

tonight was the best night.

Christ Church Cathedral - Nashville, TN

it was peaceful, enlightening, music-filled, relaxing and a plethora of phrases. i had heard of the cathedral in nashville having a community service every first friday. tonight was the first night baby girl and i went. it was meaningful to me on several levels. first of all, it was musically amazing. a gorgeous mix of blues and light jazz, so spiritual and uplifting – and when the liturgical dancer began, the tears just flowed. i found it funny the first service we went to, the preacher at my church was doing the story-telling. he is a nationally known storyteller and attends these services regularly, so i was not really surprised. i just found it ironic that i was going for a new experience, only to hear my own preacher.

the whole service was beautiful, the whole experience.

another reason this time was so meaningful to me is my T is episcopal and it brought back thoughts of our attending services together in houston, in san diego, with our daughters and each other. not long ago we had a moment together. a friend of ours was having a major family crisis and i realized we had never really prayed together, just us. so tentatively, i asked, ‘could we…?’

my T blesses me each and every day. this night, she blessed me beyond any words i could express to you.

anyway, after the service had ended, baby girl and i went for sushi to this little place downtown that has really good service and an amazing sushi bar, it is also reasonably priced. as usual, it was good food and good conversation between my truly unique daughter. we dont often get nights out like this and i love the idea of a monthly outing with her like this – although, i do see this happening more often than just for first fridays. in fact, we are going to get our animals blessed in about a month – she is so excited about that.

on the way back to suburbia, i engaged in conversation with my T and really did not want this night to end yet, so we went to barnes and noble and both got lost in the books. i got one i cannot wait to read. it is about reclaiming the strong, positive karma that was orginally associated with the word ‘cunt’. in fact, that is the title _cunt_. i look forward to this bit of reading. i also found another book i am dying to read, although it is very ‘legalistic’ in its verbage. baby girl found a book she wants, but it is the fifth in a series we have (although not the fifth), so we bartered she could get it after she has read the others. madeline l’engle has always been one of my favourite authors and this is a book i was not aware of, i cannot wait to read the series with her.

of course, a trip to the bookstore is not complete without either coffee or ice cream. so we went for ice cream. we shared a cone of cheesecake ice cream and i got some coffee ice cream to bring home. as we approached our van, baby girl says, ‘i know its raining and we haven’t been home, but it’s been a really nice night.’

i couldn’t have said it better myself. i am truly blessed.

and i look forward to finishing this and continuing wonderful conversation with my T.

“The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.”

our children’s minister is amazing and i am honoured to call her one of my closest friends, one of these days we will convince her to join the facebook world and come fully into the coven. she is very aware of today’s world and has a special gift to bring that to the level of almost any person, especially children and youth. i do very well communicating with youth. to a certain degree children, but god knew exactly what he was doing when he gave me my daughter. she has always communicated at a level most adults do not. i think we have, for the most part maintained an open communication. there are times though, i am a single mom and it has been just us for all but two years of her life, that she is protective and won’t share because of the hurt it could cause. it’s hard to battle that, but i just keep trying to make sure she knows i am always here and always loving and accepting and wanting to discuss what is important to her as well as what is important to me.

my beautiful daughter started a sexuality class given through our church tonight. after i picked her up, we went for ice cream and ‘girl time.’ she was very excited and ready to bend my ears. i loved it. we discussed what they talked about tonight: girl parts, boy parts, periods, erections, etc. it was just the start of the weekend, so most was pretty superficial tonight. i was just awash with pride as i listened to her discussing the penis, the hymen, ovaries, circumcized vs. uncircumcized, etc. we have never given ‘pet names’ for body parts, but it was definitely a mom-moment listening to my growing child talk so grown up. i literally got teary-eyed several times. i was asked about my first period (the only thing i remember is it was during basketball season and i wore pads, for that is what my mother wore… i was like, ummmm. hell to the naw! get me something else or go ahead and take it out, i am NOT dealing with this!), the night she was born and various other things. she kept saying, ‘WOW, i really am special!’

yes, baby girl, you are special… you are intelligent, caring, giving, accepting, inquisitive and so much more. she chattered all the way home and has decided that when she needs to talk to me about ‘things’, we shall do it after dinner; and if she needs to let me know the talk is needed, she will txt me. (she is my daughter after all!) so we get home and she is still little miss motormouth. she comes into my room, sits down on the bed and continues. i let it go on until almost 11:00, but she has to be back at church at 9 tomorrow morning, so getting in bed became an inevitable need.

i have to admit, i am a little curious as to how and when she might approach the subject of Tamika and i within this class. cay will be more than prepared, as well as the other coordinator of the course. i look forward to this next stage in her life. it is so tumultuous, yet so full of growth. what a wonderful time for both her, as the one going through it, and for me, as the parent watching a beautiful young lady grow into a soulful and lovely woman. i was able to write a letter to her in the front of her book. i expressed my love and pride in who she is and who she will become. i assured her i would always be there for her and wanted to talk.

i am so proud of her. she is beautiful.

and i love her.

“The key to growth is the introduction of higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness.”

how can you quiet the mind when it is so full of love, of change and of an excitement for what is to come. change is not easy. it often alienates those closest to us, those who should never leave for you becoming more of who you are. i find myself on that journey, probably much later than i should be. but somehow, this is the right time for my journey. i look forward to the person i am becoming. i await loving her. she has the possibility of being someone amazing. i feel her within me.

this is a journey of the unknown, a journey not yet taken; but i have the love of my friends and my one to sustain me as i traverse this path. knowing such divine love is there is a stablizing force. it helps center me. there is a balance. there is peace. there is calm. i will be wonderfully fine; and as the journey comes to another juncture, i will still be there, surrounded by friends and family, real family. and they will embrace me and love me just as they do now.

i am blessed. i am loved. i am forever shining in the light of god and those who love me.

we are all on a journey. every single one of us journey through this life. we connect or we dont. we touch or we dont. we love or we dont. everything is a choice and even if we choose not to choose, we still do so.

over the past nine months, i have been on a journey. a specific journey of faith, growth and exploration of where i stand. where i stand personally, professionally, as a mother, as a teacher, as a friend, as a girlfriend, as a person, as tiffany. it has been heartwrenching. it has been painful. it has been amazing. it has been something i never knew before.

one part of this journey came to an end today. you see, last october some friends and i wrote a musical. this in itself is not unusual. we write one every year for my choir to take on tour in the summer. the topic of this musical is taboo for most of society. it is something no one is comfortable talking about, but it is one that must be talked about. peoples lives depend on us talking.

the musical was not intended to be on teen suicide. several of the wrtiers were experiencing things in their lives, grief, life altering events and we wanted to express the navigation of it. we watched this video…

to all of you, you have made a difference in my life.
i love you all so very much and i pass on to you this blue ribbon and give you three more.
pass them on.

friends… they make us laugh, they make us cry, they get us through the times in life that are just impossible to see the light. they also are the ones who can hurt us so deeply we sometimes never fully recover. what makes a friend? how do we wade through the thousands of people we come in contact with during any given year to determine who we let into our lives? we all make judgments that in hindsight were not the most wise. we all determine those who we hope are worthy of our time, our care, our love. what defines those boundaries?for me, friends have always been rare. i’m not talking about those people with whom i speak to daily or those who know me on the surface. we all have those people who are more of a passing of time, so to speak, rather than meaningful enough to warrant the terminology ‘friend.’ i have been blessed in my life to have friends that are there for me, who accept me with all my faults and limitations, who dare me to go beyond those limitations, and who are there to break my fall when i fail.

i have never been an overly social person, and yet this admission surprises a lot who think they know me quite well. i am very private about what really goes on in my head and my heart. more people think they know me, who i am, what i do, and what that all means, but they are often very far from reality. i am also not outwardly a strong person. i do not like to make waves, i do not like to cause heartache, i will take more on myself than i need to rather than ask someone else to do something for me. am i possessive? yes. am i ridiculously anal? yes, although that is an admission that took me about 30 years to admit. i abhor being a burden. i will do whatever i can to make sure i am not such to anyone. that fact alone actually makes me quite a burden to those who do love me.

so how do i, for myself, choose those to enter into my inner being? sometimes it happens completely by chance. my oldest friend and i met camping at the place i consider heaven on earth. we were at the pool (which was odd for me as we always went to the natural swimming formations) and we were both going off the diving board. after many times doing so, we started talking as kids do. ‘can you do a flip?’ ‘can you touch your toes?’ ‘can you do a back flip?’ through those innocent conversations, we progressed to campfires and softball and the other camping activities. this continued for several years as we always were camping at the same time. we wrote and we sometimes called, although rarely. but through this, she became one of my best friends. my favourite times with her often included late nights on the roof of the cabin in the playground. that was where we bonded. she and i melded our families into friends. we can go months without talking and yet when we pick up, its as if we talked yesterday.

another of my best friends is not that old when you consider time. she is the children’s minister at my church and although i knew her peripherally, i wouldn’t say we were friends. then the youth choir director resigned and she called me up. ‘you need to apply for this job. it could allow you to finally retire from your band work and you would be so great at it.’ i laughed at her suggestion. i am NOT a choral director. yes, my degree is vocal/general, but my experiences have, for the most part, been instrumental. she pushed anyway and i applied. and i got the position. it is truly a blessing in my life to have that position. so many times, that check has made it possible for me to get gas or food for my daughter and me. but more importantly, she and i have grown closer and closer and now she is one that is indispensable in my life. she is often the voice of god speaking to me. and she loves me. for who i am, for who i am becoming, and for who i will one day be.

one more example, if you are so kind to give me that much time… my best friend, my lover, my heart, my soul. we met through a mutual person in our lives. we started talking and immediately connected on a level that was deeper than any i had ever experienced. we divulged secrets and thoughts even those closest to us were not privy to. we saw each other, almost immediately, through heartaches and troubles. and then my father died. did my friends here come to comfort me? those who most would deem ‘more valuable’ or ‘more worthy’ of my time and my heart? no. but she did. she was there and is to this day. and i am blessed and thankful and so grateful.

god has granted me such grace through my friends. god is shown to me daily through those who are the human embodiment of his love. he guides me through them. i am humbled. thank you for being here, for being my friends and for enriching my life beyond expectation or anything i deserve.